These are self-portraits, which were taken ower 9 months after my divorce.
He said "I love you."
I thought, "How can you destroy someone you love?"
This is the very first picture of the project. That I took on the day I signed the divorce papers. But before that, I just understood, that i needed to dot the i`s.
I took my wedding dress and went to the lake. On that day i didn`t know that this would be a project. But the next day I woke up and understood, that I needed to get out of my self all the emotions, and I drove to the forest again...
It was a time of fear, frustraton, of being lost and I was looking for Hope, self identity , Self confidence, Directions, Guidance, Myself... God. Insted of feeling negative, or drinking too much wine -I made pictures.
I went through the lies and losses but I believed that there must be something highher in this world..
I stopped using make up, threw out all my clothes and started from the beginning... but I din`t actyally know where the begining was. There was an endless steam of questions WHO AM I? Becouse at some point in my adult life i had lost my self. I had started to be something that others wanted me to be. If one of my ex boyfriends wanted me to look like busines lady, I did. If another wanted me to look like hipster – I did..one of them said i needed 10 more kg, another said, i needed 10 kg less..For one my bom was too big, for others my brest were too small..and I just wanted to be accepted, loved..
After divorce I didn`t know who I was.
I changed my name, I chaned my job, I changde where I lived, I listened to myself-what I like to wear, what I like to eat, where I love to be.
So I started to search for myself from where I believed was the beginning.
The first month I could not look in the mirror..I didn`t like my self.. I found how fragile a human being is..everybody has those moments, but for me as a photographer I let my camera capture them.
I am waiting for the morning. At night everything is more intense, more true.
My kids are sleeping and I am listening to their breaths.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I must survive until morning.
I fell in love with nature, because I was so pleased about what I had`t previously noticed.
The ripening of berries, how the river freezes and how it thaw. How buds thrive.
The sezones changed and so did I. Piece after piece I put myself together. And I found peace and freedom to be myself.
And you know? That is a lot...