From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. I was seven years old when I last saw my father. At a certain point, he stopped being a person to me. He became a myth, a memory.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. When I would ask my mother about him, she would look at me, disappointed: 'Forget him. He's gone,' she'd say. My mother never understood why I wanted to know him. I don't think she does to this day.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. I knew I had to find my father. It just took me this long to find the courage to do it. I traveled halfway around the world to stand in the courtyard of his home. It was same gray, decaying Soviet building my parents lived in after they married. You could say I've come home. But that's not how it felt.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. It's been 15 years since we've seen each other. Yet I found my father standing just how I left him. In a doorway, neither fully in or out of my life.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. The inside of his home resembled a museum, the walls covered with my grandfather's oil paintings and family pictures. I discovered my grandfather's suitcase, filled with undelivered letters, faded images, anything to hold on to my brother and me.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. I lived with my father for nearly a year, often spending the mornings together. My father, sitting across the table, telling me stories as if we were old friends. I had forgotten so much about him -- the shape of his face, the sound of his voice, the way he laughed.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. Not too long ago, my father had another child, a little girl. I should be happy for him, but when I watch him play with his daughter, it feels like a bruise someone keeps pressing. I can't help but wonder why she gets to have a father and I don't.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. Even now. There are moments when he seems to have changed, to have opened up a little. One night he shares with me his poetry. Another time he surprises me with tickets to the symphony and sneaks in chocolates for us. We eat them in the dark.
But then, all at once, he is not there, as if those moments had never existed.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian. He isn't the only one who is distant.
I often don't know how to behave around my father.
Sometimes he watches me brush my hair or reaches to embrace me. When he does, I pull away.
I still don't know what he is to me, and more importantly, what I am to him.
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian
From the series "My Father, the Stranger" © Diana Markosian