I used to work as an event planner and often remarked to my coworkers that if I weren’t required to go to the event as one of my work duties, I would never have chosen to attend. Though I enjoyed the organizational part of the work, I dreaded having to interact with the event’s guests. Please don’t misunderstand: it’s not that I disliked any of the people but rather I suffer from social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also known as social phobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by a significant amount of fear in one or more social situations causing considerable distress. I have an overwhelming fear that I’m being judged and criticized in social situations. In these situations, my inner voice repeats “you don’t belong here,” “don’t say anything stupid that you may regret,” and “everyone is looking at you and judging your appearance.” When I was younger and attended social activities, I was plagued by unbearable fear that caused torturous stomach pain. I spent many nights lying on the back seat of my car in parking lots while my friends enjoyed themselves inside at parties or bars. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned some skills that have helped to diminish my fears in social situations and one of them is to photograph the events.
When I’m photographing an event my anxiety is greatly reduced. My camera offers me protection, a security blanket of sorts. I feel invisible when I’m photographing and am unaware of fear and anxiety. I use a flash on my camera intending to temporarily blind the people I’m photographing, hoping the flash makes it so they can’t see me. Now that I have discovered photography is a remedy for my social anxiety disorder, I no longer experience the next-day psychological hangovers I used to suffer. I am not as emotionally and physically drained the day after social interactions, and the inner dialog that typically was a critique of my behavior at events no longer plagues me. My camera is my medication and my pictures are a reward for having overcome my fears. I feel braver now in social situations and my photographs show it.
