This project displays itself as a timeline of my trauma, initially presented with this perfect image of a 16-year-old girl in uniform, ready to take on the world, a reality of life’s cruelty begins to seep over this ideal. Documenting my hometown in Hertfordshire, a place in which many find safety and comfort was the setting of a traumatic experience of sexual assault. A place where I used to play and run free was now scarred with a never-ending feeling of paranoia and fear, that I may bump into ‘him’ at any moment; one of the most frightening, yet likely outcomes of living in a small community.
Further commenting on this sense of small and tight-knit community I begin to explore my relationships with those I was closest to at the time. Reflecting on how my overwhelming fear of admitting to them that I was sexually assaulted would cause me to be looked at as if I was ‘dirty’ or ‘unclean’. This silence was made even harder by the feelings that I felt I couldn’t tell my Christian family, out of fear that they would be ashamed in my promiscuity, albeit that it was forcefully taken from me. This difficulty in understanding my body and accepting it coincided with me moving over 250 miles away to university. A chance for a fresh start and an opportunity to rebuild my life. However, after finally admitting to myself and a few others what had happened to me at 16, the downward spiral intensified. Having been diagnosed with PTSD I tried to ‘cure’ my mental health issues that had come as a part of the trauma, with medication, therapy, and self-harm. This section of the project follows my current relationships with those I have met at university which has been tested at times due to my overwhelming paranoia and manic episodes. With this blanket of denial about my sexual assault lifted I have come to terms with trauma as a cyclical pattern. This work is an ode to my younger self and to those who are struggling with similar issues such as mine, although the path to recovery is difficult, it will always be worth living.
