When I was 13 years old, I was sent to my first therapist. From then on, I have been diagnosed with, ADHD, PTSD, depression, social anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, body dysmorphia, dermatillomania, eating disorder, autism, BPD, and panic disorder. Of course, none of these mental illnesses started right when I went to therapy. At 16 years old I realized that I was bisexual and came out to my mom, she refused to believe it was true and forced me into conversion therapy; I was told to never tell another living soul. At 17 years old, I was raped and sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend many times. Because of him I lost everything: my will to live, my dignity, and my friends. For two years I struggled with this alone. For two years I kept my mouth shut, I continued as if nothing happened to me. I had no one to turn to, and no one wanted to help. Slowly I developed these disorders. I tried so hard to keep them at bay, which just made everything worse. I wanted to be normal and to feel as if I fitted in with the people around me. But I never did. I lost friends and haven’t gained any, I lost memories and haven’t remembered. I lost family that used to be close and can never be the same with. I lost everything, not just because of what happened, but because I refused to believe that my life had changed, that I am not the same person I was two years ago. I will never be the same, and I couldn’t get that into my head. I have been so affected by my own emotions that I can’t fix myself.
