I can't find the right word

The world around me and my family don’t provide with many opportunities to understand one's sexual identity. Moreover, this question only leaves everybody perplexed. What does it mean to understand your sexual identity? Even a child knows the difference between a boy and a girl *a smile*. But as time goes by, parents’ smile is replaced by a nervous giggle. The problem becomes obvious but still stays unclear. I came across the word "gender" at the university having put the matter a lot of thought: ‘I’ll always be alone, I’m a weird creature”, “I’m a lesbian”, “This man wants to take me as I am, but I don’t care, I’m lost and I don’t want this life, so let him take it”. After several years of marriage to an abuser, after the hell I had gone through I managed to escape with great loss. After I had given birth to my son. Even now, having studied countless number of information about sexual and gender identification, I haven’t found my place, yet. The strict system in my mind formed by my family and the society confuses me. But being in search of the right words and understanding, I have already found my peace – me, it’s me. Not a lesbian. Not a heterosexual woman. Not hating my woman’s body and not eager to be a man. It was very hard. If the word gender became clear, so many lost people just like me would’ve never wandered alone and would’ve never been ignored for so long.